Why have I always told myself that I can't be happy in the here and now. It's always been that my happiness rests in the future. In high school, my happiness was entirely dependent upon me getting out and moving on and going to college. During my freshman year in college, happiness was only attainable when I had her. Now this summer, happiness will happen when I find a job, when I have her, when I leave on my mission, when I go through the temple, when...it just goes on and on. But there's never a thought that I can be truly and indescribably happy now.
I've spent so much of my life defining happiness by whether or not I had someone to love. That's dumb. I can't define my happiness by someone else, that shouldn't happen. I should be able to be happy with or without someone else, because I should have the faith that my happiness, that any true happiness comes from a relationship with the Lord. Yet, I struggle being able to let myself be happy.
I'll be happy when I'm not as scrawny as I am...I'll be happy when I have more money...I'll be happy when I've finished my novel...I'll be happy when I'm published...I'll be happy when I have more friends...I'll be happy when whatever is that ultimate goal is achieved. But I can't be happy when I'm still trying to achieve that goal.
Those are lies. Life is about finding the happiness in the journey, because the thing is, everything is a journey. There is never an ultimate achievement, because you have to keep working always. I wanna be in shape. If you get in shape, guess what, if you don't work to stay in shape, you fall away from being in shape, and then you're back at square one. If you want more friends, then you work at it, you have to strengthen those friendships, and there's never a moment when you can just be done strengthening a friendship. The moment that happens, the friendship begins to deteriorate. If my goal is to finish my novel, that's achievable, but then there's revision, publishing, and then there's more novels in my head that want to get out. I'll never be able to stop writing. If you want to get that one person who holds your heart, it's a journey, not a destination. Once you get them, you can't just stop working for it, you've got to keep strengthening that forever...or for as long as you last.
So the real thing I have to learn is to find the joy in the journey. Define joy by strengthening the relationship with my Heavenly Father daily, and by doing the things that will make me happy. Finding joy in strengthening relationships, in working out, in, writing, in preparing for the temple and my mission.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Favorite Writing Music:
Sara Bareilles's album "Kaleidoscope Heart."
Seriously, I love this album so much. I've had it for a while, but didn't start listening to it until this week, and I absolutely love it. Maybe it's the fact that a lot of the songs remind me of my characters, or maybe it's because I'm madly in love with Sara Bareilles herself...I just don't know.
Katy Perry used to be my number one artist, and I was going to stand by that until the end, but suddenly Sara Bareilles has climbed in and taken that spot. Just you know for certain other writer friends, if you're looking for music *coughkayticough* it might be something to look into.
If you wanna look them up on youtube, my favorites are:
"Kaleidocope Heart."
"Uncharted"
"The Light"
"King of Anything"
"Hold my Heart"
"Gonna Get Over You"
"Breathe Again"
The others are good, but those are my favorites (and that is over fifty percent of the album). I don't know many of her "Little Voice" album, but "Gravity" is well done. And if you can find the One Republic version of "Come Home" Featuring Sara Barielles, listen to it. I love it so much.
Seriously, I love this album so much. I've had it for a while, but didn't start listening to it until this week, and I absolutely love it. Maybe it's the fact that a lot of the songs remind me of my characters, or maybe it's because I'm madly in love with Sara Bareilles herself...I just don't know.
Katy Perry used to be my number one artist, and I was going to stand by that until the end, but suddenly Sara Bareilles has climbed in and taken that spot. Just you know for certain other writer friends, if you're looking for music *coughkayticough* it might be something to look into.
If you wanna look them up on youtube, my favorites are:
"Kaleidocope Heart."
"Uncharted"
"The Light"
"King of Anything"
"Hold my Heart"
"Gonna Get Over You"
"Breathe Again"
The others are good, but those are my favorites (and that is over fifty percent of the album). I don't know many of her "Little Voice" album, but "Gravity" is well done. And if you can find the One Republic version of "Come Home" Featuring Sara Barielles, listen to it. I love it so much.
Thankful Heart
*I have one amazing family. We had our struggles this week being all together 24/7...but we did it. And we did well...at least I think we did.
*I have the gospel in my life. I haven't always thought of it so much as a blessing, sometimes it's seemed like a burden, but truly, I owe all that I am to this gospel.
*On that note, I am part of a church that so much was sacrificed for so that I could be here in my comfortable air-conditioned apartment, in comfortable store bought clothes, on a brand new couch, with electricity, and a laptop. I am not crossing the plains to a place that I have never seen before. I am here at school, in this day and age.
*I have awesome friends! They love me, even as they see my stupidness, as they see my weakness, as they see my shortcomings, they forgive, and allow me to come back to them, and welcome me back into their group.
*I have the atonement in my life. Even as I know that I have fallen short of what I should be, I take comfort in the fact that the Lord Jesus Christ suffered for me, my pains, my sins, and my emotional problems. And with that suffering I can return to Him. With that suffering I know that there is always someone who will understand EVERYTHING I am going through, utterly and completely. What more could I ask for?
*I am thankful for a roommate who I will call one of my best friends. It's amazing how well we've meshed this semester, and it's just felt like one extended hang-out. It's nice.
*I am thankful for the opportunities the Lord has given me to grow up. When traveling with my grandma and my brother, it was kinda scary to be trying to lead and act as an adult getting us through Salt Lake, through the airport, and onto Nauvoo, but the Lord strengthened me and made me able to bear it.
*I am thankful for the opportunity I had this last week to not only spend time in Nauvoo, but to spend a couple hours on Temple Square. And while at Temple Square meeting the sister missionaries there, who were so friendly, and so encouraging as they heard I was preparing to join them in the service of our Lord.
*I am thankful for the chance I had to meet the grandmother of one of my greatest friends while in Nauvoo. It was nice to hear that she had heard all about me, just a nice reassurance, that I felt I did mean something, maybe not everything I want to mean to her, but something.
*I am thankful for Joseph Smith. The world may mock him, but being in Nauvoo, seeing his home, seeing his grave, seeing Carthage, hearing the stories, seeing the temple, watching the Joseph Smith movie...all of it just made me appreciate everything this man did for the cause of our Lord.
*I am thankful for a car this summer, there have been complications with it, but overall, it's just nice to have that sitting out front.
*I am thankful for the friends that have come and visited, showing me that I do indeed matter to them, and that they do miss me.
*I am thankful for the safety of my friends this past year. I am thankful that although all of my Alabama friends were in danger during the storms, they are okay. And I am thankful that this past week that other friends remained safe, even in scary times.
*I am thankful for the scriptures, I don't study them as much as I should, and I will improve. But I am thankful for how well life goes when I spend time with them, and the things that they teach me when I need their guidance in my life (which is every day).
*I am thankful for the food that Michael and I have this summer. How grateful I am for the friends who didn't let us go hungry this summer.
*I am thankful for my mother. There are no women in this world I respect more than her. She's done everything she can for me, and she now stands willing to help, but able to let me go, and watch me attempt to make it on my own.
*I am thankful for my father. Although I've struggled some over the years with him. He has a sense of humor that I will always appreciate (sometimes much more than others). He has shown me what it means to give service, and to magnify the Priesthood.
*I am thankful for the Priesthood which the Lord has trusted me to hold. I am thankful for the service it allows me to provide, and I am thankful for the wonderful young women in my life who have called upon me to use this Priesthood to bless them. I am thankful for their reliance on me, so that I could stay worthy to use it.
*I am thankful for the children in my family. Watching them, playing with them, holding them, all of it, it's made me so excited to have a family of my own someday. To have children, and to try to raise them with my future wife to the best of my ability.
*I am thankful for my future wife. I don't know who you are, but whoever you are, you have shaped my life a great deal this past couple of years, and I hope that you will be as happy with me, as I have confidence I will be happy with you.
*I am thankful to be preparing to serve a mission. The Lord wants me there, and I want to be there. I want to serve people, I want to teach the gospel, and watch as the change that comes from the knowledge of this gospel comes into them.
*I am thankful for three older brothers who have served missions, and for the stories they tell me of them, and the examples they have set.
*I am thankful for music in my life. I love the sounds of music, and I can't imagine my life without it.
*I am thankful for the bishops I have had in my life. Bishop Mumford, Bishop Wilding, Bishop Cannon, Bishop Stratton, Bishop Nichols, Bishop Baugh, and my new Bishop (who I have only met once, so the name has slipped my mind). I see some of the sacrifices you make, and it inspires me. I see the care you have for me, even though you don't know me as well as a lot of other people, and it is amazing. I have so much gratitude for you.
*I am thankful for the prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He truly speaks to Heavenly Father and receives revelation for the entire church, as well as the entire world. There are so many things he has said that have helped me in times of need.
*I am thankful for all of the apostles and prophets from all the eras of this earth. They have set an example of giving your life to the Lord, which is one that I need to follow.
*I am thankful for Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, who is one of the men I respect most in this world. He is so full of the spirit, and I can't help but excitedly anticipate every time I will hear him speak to the church.
*I am thankful for the roommates I had this last year. Bryce, Ricky, Mitch, L.A., Tyrell, Sean, Michael, and Jordan. Each has been a particular blessing to me in times that they will have no idea. I am thankful for the friendships that we developed in Jones 201, and I am thankful for the examples set be each of .
*I am thankful for the young women in my life who encourage me to be better, by example, by word, and even by their disappointment when I don't live up to what I should be. I am thankful for the person they see me having the capability to become, and hope to someday meet their expectations.
*I am thankful for the Lord's guidance in my life. The comfort He has given me in knowing when I am where I need to be, both in my English classes, on Utah State campus, with my good friends, in my new apartment, in Jones, and in Institute. I am thankful that he is mindful of me at this time of my life, when I have so many choices to make, and I am thankful that He has helped me with these choices.
*I am thankful for the Lord as he helps me in my writing. I may not be the best writer, but the Lord blesses me with ideas that I thoroughly enjoy writing.
*I am thankful for my country, and for the freedoms I have here. I am thankful for a country where the Lord could restore His gospel to the earth.
*I am thankful for the Institute classes I have attended. I was never good at it, but I got the things I needed out of the ones I went to, and know that I missed opportunities for growth when I skipped. And so I am thankful for the opportunity to try once more this summer, and continue trying after my mission.
*I am thankful for the friends I have who are serving or preparing to serve their missions. I know that they will be incredible in their callings, and I pray that I will be able to do as well as I know they will.
*I am thankful for the passion that the Lord has blessed me with. I know that through this passion, the Lord will be able to lead me, as long as I direct the passion towards the things that He wishes for me.
*I am thankful for the trust my friends have in me. I am thankful for their ability to turn to me in times of need, and I am thankful for the Spirit which helps me as I try to bring comfort to them.
*I am thankful for so many things, the Lord has truly blessed my life, and I an thankful for the ability I have to sit down and see some of them, and acknowledge the Lord in these blessings, and as I do so, have a sense of bliss come into my life.
The Lord is aware of each of us, and He blesses our lives beyond our comprehension.
*I have the gospel in my life. I haven't always thought of it so much as a blessing, sometimes it's seemed like a burden, but truly, I owe all that I am to this gospel.
*On that note, I am part of a church that so much was sacrificed for so that I could be here in my comfortable air-conditioned apartment, in comfortable store bought clothes, on a brand new couch, with electricity, and a laptop. I am not crossing the plains to a place that I have never seen before. I am here at school, in this day and age.
*I have awesome friends! They love me, even as they see my stupidness, as they see my weakness, as they see my shortcomings, they forgive, and allow me to come back to them, and welcome me back into their group.
*I have the atonement in my life. Even as I know that I have fallen short of what I should be, I take comfort in the fact that the Lord Jesus Christ suffered for me, my pains, my sins, and my emotional problems. And with that suffering I can return to Him. With that suffering I know that there is always someone who will understand EVERYTHING I am going through, utterly and completely. What more could I ask for?
*I am thankful for a roommate who I will call one of my best friends. It's amazing how well we've meshed this semester, and it's just felt like one extended hang-out. It's nice.
*I am thankful for the opportunities the Lord has given me to grow up. When traveling with my grandma and my brother, it was kinda scary to be trying to lead and act as an adult getting us through Salt Lake, through the airport, and onto Nauvoo, but the Lord strengthened me and made me able to bear it.
*I am thankful for the opportunity I had this last week to not only spend time in Nauvoo, but to spend a couple hours on Temple Square. And while at Temple Square meeting the sister missionaries there, who were so friendly, and so encouraging as they heard I was preparing to join them in the service of our Lord.
*I am thankful for the chance I had to meet the grandmother of one of my greatest friends while in Nauvoo. It was nice to hear that she had heard all about me, just a nice reassurance, that I felt I did mean something, maybe not everything I want to mean to her, but something.
*I am thankful for Joseph Smith. The world may mock him, but being in Nauvoo, seeing his home, seeing his grave, seeing Carthage, hearing the stories, seeing the temple, watching the Joseph Smith movie...all of it just made me appreciate everything this man did for the cause of our Lord.
*I am thankful for a car this summer, there have been complications with it, but overall, it's just nice to have that sitting out front.
*I am thankful for the friends that have come and visited, showing me that I do indeed matter to them, and that they do miss me.
*I am thankful for the safety of my friends this past year. I am thankful that although all of my Alabama friends were in danger during the storms, they are okay. And I am thankful that this past week that other friends remained safe, even in scary times.
*I am thankful for the scriptures, I don't study them as much as I should, and I will improve. But I am thankful for how well life goes when I spend time with them, and the things that they teach me when I need their guidance in my life (which is every day).
*I am thankful for the food that Michael and I have this summer. How grateful I am for the friends who didn't let us go hungry this summer.
*I am thankful for my mother. There are no women in this world I respect more than her. She's done everything she can for me, and she now stands willing to help, but able to let me go, and watch me attempt to make it on my own.
*I am thankful for my father. Although I've struggled some over the years with him. He has a sense of humor that I will always appreciate (sometimes much more than others). He has shown me what it means to give service, and to magnify the Priesthood.
*I am thankful for the Priesthood which the Lord has trusted me to hold. I am thankful for the service it allows me to provide, and I am thankful for the wonderful young women in my life who have called upon me to use this Priesthood to bless them. I am thankful for their reliance on me, so that I could stay worthy to use it.
*I am thankful for the children in my family. Watching them, playing with them, holding them, all of it, it's made me so excited to have a family of my own someday. To have children, and to try to raise them with my future wife to the best of my ability.
*I am thankful for my future wife. I don't know who you are, but whoever you are, you have shaped my life a great deal this past couple of years, and I hope that you will be as happy with me, as I have confidence I will be happy with you.
*I am thankful to be preparing to serve a mission. The Lord wants me there, and I want to be there. I want to serve people, I want to teach the gospel, and watch as the change that comes from the knowledge of this gospel comes into them.
*I am thankful for three older brothers who have served missions, and for the stories they tell me of them, and the examples they have set.
*I am thankful for music in my life. I love the sounds of music, and I can't imagine my life without it.
*I am thankful for the bishops I have had in my life. Bishop Mumford, Bishop Wilding, Bishop Cannon, Bishop Stratton, Bishop Nichols, Bishop Baugh, and my new Bishop (who I have only met once, so the name has slipped my mind). I see some of the sacrifices you make, and it inspires me. I see the care you have for me, even though you don't know me as well as a lot of other people, and it is amazing. I have so much gratitude for you.
*I am thankful for the prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He truly speaks to Heavenly Father and receives revelation for the entire church, as well as the entire world. There are so many things he has said that have helped me in times of need.
*I am thankful for all of the apostles and prophets from all the eras of this earth. They have set an example of giving your life to the Lord, which is one that I need to follow.
*I am thankful for Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, who is one of the men I respect most in this world. He is so full of the spirit, and I can't help but excitedly anticipate every time I will hear him speak to the church.
*I am thankful for the roommates I had this last year. Bryce, Ricky, Mitch, L.A., Tyrell, Sean, Michael, and Jordan. Each has been a particular blessing to me in times that they will have no idea. I am thankful for the friendships that we developed in Jones 201, and I am thankful for the examples set be each of .
*I am thankful for the young women in my life who encourage me to be better, by example, by word, and even by their disappointment when I don't live up to what I should be. I am thankful for the person they see me having the capability to become, and hope to someday meet their expectations.
*I am thankful for the Lord's guidance in my life. The comfort He has given me in knowing when I am where I need to be, both in my English classes, on Utah State campus, with my good friends, in my new apartment, in Jones, and in Institute. I am thankful that he is mindful of me at this time of my life, when I have so many choices to make, and I am thankful that He has helped me with these choices.
*I am thankful for the Lord as he helps me in my writing. I may not be the best writer, but the Lord blesses me with ideas that I thoroughly enjoy writing.
*I am thankful for my country, and for the freedoms I have here. I am thankful for a country where the Lord could restore His gospel to the earth.
*I am thankful for the Institute classes I have attended. I was never good at it, but I got the things I needed out of the ones I went to, and know that I missed opportunities for growth when I skipped. And so I am thankful for the opportunity to try once more this summer, and continue trying after my mission.
*I am thankful for the friends I have who are serving or preparing to serve their missions. I know that they will be incredible in their callings, and I pray that I will be able to do as well as I know they will.
*I am thankful for the passion that the Lord has blessed me with. I know that through this passion, the Lord will be able to lead me, as long as I direct the passion towards the things that He wishes for me.
*I am thankful for the trust my friends have in me. I am thankful for their ability to turn to me in times of need, and I am thankful for the Spirit which helps me as I try to bring comfort to them.
*I am thankful for so many things, the Lord has truly blessed my life, and I an thankful for the ability I have to sit down and see some of them, and acknowledge the Lord in these blessings, and as I do so, have a sense of bliss come into my life.
The Lord is aware of each of us, and He blesses our lives beyond our comprehension.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Once Upon A Time....
There was a guy named Zelos, and he realized how blessed he was. As he looked at his life he realized that there was no way that there couldn't be a loving Heavenly Father above who knew him and loved him. And life wasn't always easy, but life was good.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Bitter-Sweetness
Did I know how much I would learn this past year? I don't think so... There's no way I could have predicted the trials that would have come. I could have never guessed the deep depressions I hit, the pain, the misery, the regret, all the hard feelings that I've experienced through everything. But I could have never predicted the wondrous feeling of being forgiven. I could have never guessed how high my soul flies when I'm near my Heavenly Father. I could have never guessed how amazing the Lord's Atonement is in my life. I could have never predicted how many wonderful examples can come into your life in such a short time. I could have never predicted how close I could get to people in just a short time. I could never have guessed anything.
There's so many things I've learned this year, and so many people I've loved, and I don't want it to end. But I have perfect confidence in my Lord and Redeemer. He will make my life alright, not free from trials, but good enough. I'll never reach perfection in this life. I'll fall short, I'll have trials, and I'll feel heart-break, but with Him, we'll work through them, and there's not a better lesson I could have learned in my life. He will aid me in everything.
It has been just an amazing experience, and I don't ever want it to end, but it will...and as woefully unprepared as I am for goodbyes...I need to have faith in the Lord to keep me happy, and to ensure that I will meet up with my loved ones once again.
This might look creepy, but I would feel ungrateful myself if I didn't do this. There are so many people who have affected me for the better this year, and I would feel entirely ungrateful if I didn't mention them.
Veline and Greg Anderson
Nicole and Gary Chadwick
Ethan Chadwick
Caleb Chadwick
Paul Anderson
Jeff and Abby Anderson
Samantha Anderson
Tyrell Morris
Ruthie Cobb
Michael De Fillipis
Tiffani Hendrickson
Cameron Barker
Daniel Irvine
Allee Evenson
Emily Frederickson
McKinsey Wilson
Tisha Santana
Sarah Pugsley
Rachel Scott
Ricky Nope
Laura Hergenroeder
Andie Grantt
Korrine Ivory
Tianna Rothwell
L.A. Norton
Jessy Auger
Bryce Sansing
Mitch Davis
Brooke Bytheway
David Tate
Kali O'Rourke
Candie Richardson
Brother Salmond
Brother Lucharini
Bishop Baugh
Sean Yadon
Taylor Halverson
Nick Lauritzen
Chantelle Hall
Amanda Hudson
Joseph
Kayti Mayfield
Kaity McDonald
Millie Struve
Michael Hogard
Belen Moyano
Payden
Michelle Moon
Christy Walters
Brenna Allen
Britain
Lauren Clark
Morgan Golightly
Julia
Jackson Cuzzins
Anna
Anthony Smith
Caitlin Horrocks
The Lord Jesus Christ
There's so many things I've learned this year, and so many people I've loved, and I don't want it to end. But I have perfect confidence in my Lord and Redeemer. He will make my life alright, not free from trials, but good enough. I'll never reach perfection in this life. I'll fall short, I'll have trials, and I'll feel heart-break, but with Him, we'll work through them, and there's not a better lesson I could have learned in my life. He will aid me in everything.
It has been just an amazing experience, and I don't ever want it to end, but it will...and as woefully unprepared as I am for goodbyes...I need to have faith in the Lord to keep me happy, and to ensure that I will meet up with my loved ones once again.
This might look creepy, but I would feel ungrateful myself if I didn't do this. There are so many people who have affected me for the better this year, and I would feel entirely ungrateful if I didn't mention them.
Veline and Greg Anderson
Nicole and Gary Chadwick
Ethan Chadwick
Caleb Chadwick
Paul Anderson
Jeff and Abby Anderson
Samantha Anderson
Tyrell Morris
Ruthie Cobb
Michael De Fillipis
Tiffani Hendrickson
Cameron Barker
Daniel Irvine
Allee Evenson
Emily Frederickson
McKinsey Wilson
Tisha Santana
Sarah Pugsley
Rachel Scott
Ricky Nope
Laura Hergenroeder
Andie Grantt
Korrine Ivory
Tianna Rothwell
L.A. Norton
Jessy Auger
Bryce Sansing
Mitch Davis
Brooke Bytheway
David Tate
Kali O'Rourke
Candie Richardson
Brother Salmond
Brother Lucharini
Bishop Baugh
Sean Yadon
Taylor Halverson
Nick Lauritzen
Chantelle Hall
Amanda Hudson
Joseph
Kayti Mayfield
Kaity McDonald
Millie Struve
Michael Hogard
Belen Moyano
Payden
Michelle Moon
Christy Walters
Brenna Allen
Britain
Lauren Clark
Morgan Golightly
Julia
Jackson Cuzzins
Anna
Anthony Smith
Caitlin Horrocks
The Lord Jesus Christ
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)