Oh hey, long time, no see.
Oh wait, I still can't see you... Oh well.
I'm a do this again to re-introduce myself. I'm a whole new person now.
Day 01- 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- 5 things you like and 5 things you dislike about yourself
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends and what the picture means to you
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to and the memories that follow
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has had a big impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Biggest achievement in your eyes
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Favorite book and why
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iTunes on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- 10 anonymous things that you would like to say to people
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have and why do have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- The simple things that make you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you are craving
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What do you think about your friends?
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned?
Day 30- Who are you?
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Stream of Consciousness...
It's not that I'm unafraid... heck, I'm terrified. There are a thousand excuses that keep hurtling themselves into my path, and if I stop and examine them long enough I start to get scared that I might be making the wrong step. But I know, I KNOW that there's one reason to go, and that's where I have to place whatever faith I have, which sometimes feels like it's smaller than that famous mustard seed.
I'm serving a mission because I love my brothers and sisters across the world, and in particular, the Carlsbad, California area. I don't know them personally, yet, but I want them all to have the happiness I have in this gospel. I want to teach of our Heavenly Father's love. I want to testify that I know what happens after this life, that I know that families are forever, that Jesus Christ is my Savior, that He has suffered for my sins, and he has suffered for their sins.
It's two years of my life, and at the time when half of my brain is screaming about how incredibly long that amount of time is, the other half is convincing me that it's not enough time. Two years is nothing, can I even do anything in two years that's worthwhile to the Kingdom of God? Will I be good enough to be able to get everything I can out of those two years, or will I have to grow up so much in those two years, that I won't even be able to do the things the Lord would have me do?
I think that's what scares me. I feel inadequate. I'm kind of scrawny, awkward, annoying...
But then I remember that the Lord prepares and strengthens those He has called, and He has called me. He wants me to be a missionary, and in the next two years, when I need Him, He'll be there for me.
When I look at it like that, the fear flees, and I can't wait to go. There is no greater joy than doing the work of the Lord. That's where I've put my faith.
I'm serving a mission because I love my brothers and sisters across the world, and in particular, the Carlsbad, California area. I don't know them personally, yet, but I want them all to have the happiness I have in this gospel. I want to teach of our Heavenly Father's love. I want to testify that I know what happens after this life, that I know that families are forever, that Jesus Christ is my Savior, that He has suffered for my sins, and he has suffered for their sins.
It's two years of my life, and at the time when half of my brain is screaming about how incredibly long that amount of time is, the other half is convincing me that it's not enough time. Two years is nothing, can I even do anything in two years that's worthwhile to the Kingdom of God? Will I be good enough to be able to get everything I can out of those two years, or will I have to grow up so much in those two years, that I won't even be able to do the things the Lord would have me do?
I think that's what scares me. I feel inadequate. I'm kind of scrawny, awkward, annoying...
But then I remember that the Lord prepares and strengthens those He has called, and He has called me. He wants me to be a missionary, and in the next two years, when I need Him, He'll be there for me.
When I look at it like that, the fear flees, and I can't wait to go. There is no greater joy than doing the work of the Lord. That's where I've put my faith.
Friday, November 4, 2011
I Miss...
The spotlight... the hours of rehearsal just for the chance to say that one word, be in that one scene, sing that one song in the chorus, dance that one number in the background of the scene... the friendships and showmances... the tyrannical directors who make life as miserable as possible... the church kids who knew they were better than me... the warm-ups... the music... the sets... the blocking... I miss the stage.
I wasn't ever really a great actor. I used to think that my director didn't give me main parts because she hated me. I still believe she hated me, but it was probably my lack of talent, my lack of any real emotion behind what I was saying. I'd like to think I was better now, but I need a chance to be on stage once more, to prove to myself that I can feel what I say, that I really do know how to act. It's not memorizing lines and blocking, step forward, kiss her forehead, say some meaningless drivel about how you'll get through this, when you don't even understand what you're talking about. It's more than pacing because her line is "Stop pacing." It's knowing that you're pacing because your entire life is about to fall down around you. It's pacing, because if you don't pace, you don't have anything to do but sit there and think about the horrible mess you're in. It's pacing, because you can't break down, you have to be strong, because she needs you to be strong. You aren't allowed to break-down, so you pace.
If Mrs. Davis had told me that, I wonder if I would have gotten it. She never did though, she just told me to pace. "No not like that, faster. More desperate. No, it needs to be more manly. Faster. Faster. Faster." You wouldn't kiss her forehead, that's not the relationship you had.
It's like that with every role I had. I look back and berate myself. "You love her, she's been your wife for years now. She's never broken down like this before. WHAT IS WRONG? She needs to hear those terms of endearment, she needs to know she's safe in your arms. No matter what happens, you'll be the one to protect her, even if you are some poor bar-owner, who gets back-talked to by the serving girl. None of that matters, it's up to you to ensure that your wife is safe."
There's more to it than vaguely thinking, "Wow, this would really suck... I think I should look angry." It's becoming so certain that you know this person, that you know how they would react. It's like being a writer. It's learning who and what these people are, what really matters to them, what can fall away, and what would be too much for them to handle. It's about being unafraid to show the pieces of yourself that you hide, because it's those pieces that you have in common with who you are trying to portray, and it's those pieces that make what you're doing believable.
I realized last night at the high school's drama fest that I still have a lot of feelings that I just had to consider. The drama department defined my entire high school existence, so going back opened me up to everything I felt in high school... I miss it...
I miss the environment that was so stressful, so harsh, so dramatic, that I thrived there. Because for some reason, I have this fantastic ability to thrive on misery... not that that's good, but it comes in handy. And it wasn't all bad... But I miss the bad... I miss the good too, but I miss the growth from the bad.
I wasn't ever really a great actor. I used to think that my director didn't give me main parts because she hated me. I still believe she hated me, but it was probably my lack of talent, my lack of any real emotion behind what I was saying. I'd like to think I was better now, but I need a chance to be on stage once more, to prove to myself that I can feel what I say, that I really do know how to act. It's not memorizing lines and blocking, step forward, kiss her forehead, say some meaningless drivel about how you'll get through this, when you don't even understand what you're talking about. It's more than pacing because her line is "Stop pacing." It's knowing that you're pacing because your entire life is about to fall down around you. It's pacing, because if you don't pace, you don't have anything to do but sit there and think about the horrible mess you're in. It's pacing, because you can't break down, you have to be strong, because she needs you to be strong. You aren't allowed to break-down, so you pace.
If Mrs. Davis had told me that, I wonder if I would have gotten it. She never did though, she just told me to pace. "No not like that, faster. More desperate. No, it needs to be more manly. Faster. Faster. Faster." You wouldn't kiss her forehead, that's not the relationship you had.
It's like that with every role I had. I look back and berate myself. "You love her, she's been your wife for years now. She's never broken down like this before. WHAT IS WRONG? She needs to hear those terms of endearment, she needs to know she's safe in your arms. No matter what happens, you'll be the one to protect her, even if you are some poor bar-owner, who gets back-talked to by the serving girl. None of that matters, it's up to you to ensure that your wife is safe."
There's more to it than vaguely thinking, "Wow, this would really suck... I think I should look angry." It's becoming so certain that you know this person, that you know how they would react. It's like being a writer. It's learning who and what these people are, what really matters to them, what can fall away, and what would be too much for them to handle. It's about being unafraid to show the pieces of yourself that you hide, because it's those pieces that you have in common with who you are trying to portray, and it's those pieces that make what you're doing believable.
I realized last night at the high school's drama fest that I still have a lot of feelings that I just had to consider. The drama department defined my entire high school existence, so going back opened me up to everything I felt in high school... I miss it...
I miss the environment that was so stressful, so harsh, so dramatic, that I thrived there. Because for some reason, I have this fantastic ability to thrive on misery... not that that's good, but it comes in handy. And it wasn't all bad... But I miss the bad... I miss the good too, but I miss the growth from the bad.
Friday, October 28, 2011
A Closed Chapter
Life is good! No wait, good doesn't even begin to describe how spectacular, wonderful, magnificent, incredible, indescribably fantastic life is. It's not that life was bad before today, but for the first time I feel almost entirely emotionally healthy. I mean, yes I'm still a basket case, and yes I'll probably have to break out Taylor Swift, Moulin Rouge, and gallons upon gallons of ice cream through the rest of my life, but right now, I feel exceptional. It's that moment when everything falls into place. When I've been clinging onto something I knew I would lose, and suddenly, I am able to just look at it head on, and realize that it's time to let go.
But it's more than just being able to let go. Because I thought I had let go before, but now I can look back and see things the way they actually were, not gilded with the wonder of a love-sick, hopeless romantic who was putting all of his hopes into you. But not looking at things as a crushed, heartbroken wretched piece of a man who could only see every smile and compliment as some cruel feminine game to be played whenever boredom would strike you.
Finally it all seems healthy. I can look back, and acknowledge that we had fun. I can acknowledge that with you, when things seemed good I was happy, and when things seemed bad I was miserable. But I'm not relying on it anymore, because I don't need to. I don't need you, you don't need me, and neither of us even really want each other anymore.
And finally I don't hopelessly love you, and I don't callously hate you. I'm not even indifferent to you. I just wish you the best, and for the first time realize that it's time to strike out on my own. Thanks for helping mold me into the man I am, and thanks for making everything about this so easy.
But it's more than just being able to let go. Because I thought I had let go before, but now I can look back and see things the way they actually were, not gilded with the wonder of a love-sick, hopeless romantic who was putting all of his hopes into you. But not looking at things as a crushed, heartbroken wretched piece of a man who could only see every smile and compliment as some cruel feminine game to be played whenever boredom would strike you.
Finally it all seems healthy. I can look back, and acknowledge that we had fun. I can acknowledge that with you, when things seemed good I was happy, and when things seemed bad I was miserable. But I'm not relying on it anymore, because I don't need to. I don't need you, you don't need me, and neither of us even really want each other anymore.
And finally I don't hopelessly love you, and I don't callously hate you. I'm not even indifferent to you. I just wish you the best, and for the first time realize that it's time to strike out on my own. Thanks for helping mold me into the man I am, and thanks for making everything about this so easy.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
How I Cure a Bad Mood
*Taylor Swift
*Pride and Prejudice/Moulin Rouge
*French Silk ice cream
...Apparently I am a teenage girl... that was the awkward discovery.
*Pride and Prejudice/Moulin Rouge
*French Silk ice cream
...Apparently I am a teenage girl... that was the awkward discovery.
I'm Goin' on a Mission... In Three Months.
I got a letter from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints a couple of weeks ago. The news is that I'll be leaving to serve a two-year mission in Carlsbad, California December 21 of this year. I'm completely STOKED about this! The more I think about my mission, the more I am excited about it. Here's some reasons for me to be completely psyched:
-I'll finally be out on a mission!!! 19 years of my life have led up to this moment, and now I'm finally on the verge of taking the next MAJOR step in my life.
-I'll get to spend two years in the service of my fellowman, and the service of my God. What better way is there to spend the next to years then being completely devoted to service to others?
-My mission is English-speaking. English is basically my life, and as awesome as it could have been to learn another language, I'm really grateful that I can serve English-speaking. I feel like it'll help me make more connections with other people...at least I'm hoping this.
-I got a letter from my mission president, and he said we needed to do our best to look professional. Okay, I got this. All through my high school drama experience my teacher told me that I was learning how to present myself professionally (she had no faith in my actual acting abilities...)
-I'll be on the ocean front, and although I will want to go to the beach, just seeing the ocean is always inspiring to me.
Plus there are like 109209183072198426892 other reasons to be excited about Carlsbad, some of them spiritual, some of them more like "oh hey, spring break 2013, I can head right on back"... but yeah, it's gon' be good.
-I'll finally be out on a mission!!! 19 years of my life have led up to this moment, and now I'm finally on the verge of taking the next MAJOR step in my life.
-I'll get to spend two years in the service of my fellowman, and the service of my God. What better way is there to spend the next to years then being completely devoted to service to others?
-My mission is English-speaking. English is basically my life, and as awesome as it could have been to learn another language, I'm really grateful that I can serve English-speaking. I feel like it'll help me make more connections with other people...at least I'm hoping this.
-I got a letter from my mission president, and he said we needed to do our best to look professional. Okay, I got this. All through my high school drama experience my teacher told me that I was learning how to present myself professionally (she had no faith in my actual acting abilities...)
-I'll be on the ocean front, and although I will want to go to the beach, just seeing the ocean is always inspiring to me.
Plus there are like 109209183072198426892 other reasons to be excited about Carlsbad, some of them spiritual, some of them more like "oh hey, spring break 2013, I can head right on back"... but yeah, it's gon' be good.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Falling Into Place
It's been rough...I hate saying that because I sound like a whiner...but I don't want to lie. This summer has been, at times, absolutely infuriating. But I've learned something from all of the stuff I have been fighting. The valuable lesson: The Lord is aware of me, He's aware of you, He's aware of all of us.
It's been crazy this summer. I've been hunting for a job with a total of one interview at a place where I was told they would hire anyone... but the thing is that I didn't get the job. It was a call center, so I mean not OVERLY bummed, but still disappointing. I've been trying to start my mission papers since May, with little to zero success... And to top it off I lost contact with one of my best friends since the day school got out.
But the Lord was aware. Every day I started thinking "I can't take much more of this," something would go right that day. I would roll out of bed and go to Institute and be taught something that I needed to hear...something that the Lord prompted my teacher to say for me. I would be sitting moping to myself and get an invite to go do something that would get my mind off the spiral of how miserable I was. The Lord has spent this entire acting through other people in my life to show me how aware He is of me. And even though I didn't handle things as well as I should have, (I have a horrible habit of murmuring, when I should just have the faith to do what is required of me), He is blessing me. Everything is finally falling into place.
No I still don't have a job, or a mission call, but there has been progress, which has been yet another witness of the Lord's awareness of me. I have an appointment with my bishop tomorrow night at six, which means the papers will be started soon. Somehow my best friend started talking to me again, and even though I want to hold a grudge about the lack of communication between us, I can't, and I would feel wrong about it. And with that, there's some definition of what we are, which is amazing now. I didn't want to leave with everything so bad between us, and things are finally giving me a sense of closure there, which is much needed.
Just know, the Lord is aware. He will help you when you don't think you can hold on anymore, He'll show you how you can.
It's been crazy this summer. I've been hunting for a job with a total of one interview at a place where I was told they would hire anyone... but the thing is that I didn't get the job. It was a call center, so I mean not OVERLY bummed, but still disappointing. I've been trying to start my mission papers since May, with little to zero success... And to top it off I lost contact with one of my best friends since the day school got out.
But the Lord was aware. Every day I started thinking "I can't take much more of this," something would go right that day. I would roll out of bed and go to Institute and be taught something that I needed to hear...something that the Lord prompted my teacher to say for me. I would be sitting moping to myself and get an invite to go do something that would get my mind off the spiral of how miserable I was. The Lord has spent this entire acting through other people in my life to show me how aware He is of me. And even though I didn't handle things as well as I should have, (I have a horrible habit of murmuring, when I should just have the faith to do what is required of me), He is blessing me. Everything is finally falling into place.
No I still don't have a job, or a mission call, but there has been progress, which has been yet another witness of the Lord's awareness of me. I have an appointment with my bishop tomorrow night at six, which means the papers will be started soon. Somehow my best friend started talking to me again, and even though I want to hold a grudge about the lack of communication between us, I can't, and I would feel wrong about it. And with that, there's some definition of what we are, which is amazing now. I didn't want to leave with everything so bad between us, and things are finally giving me a sense of closure there, which is much needed.
Just know, the Lord is aware. He will help you when you don't think you can hold on anymore, He'll show you how you can.
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