Day 3

Here's a picture of me and some of my friends.  I don't currently have a lot of pictures anymore, since my last laptop died, and I didn't really back anything up (thank goodness for Spotify, and facebook), but this is from Spring Break two weeks ago.  I got to go back with my best friend and roommate to my mission.  It was incredible.

This is a group from my first area.  When I started my mission I was so scared, like every other missionary, just not knowing what to do, and these three families just took me under their wing and took care of me. They all followed me through my entire mission, and I got to see them randomly at all the biggest and most miraculous moments of my mission, and I feel so incredibly lucky to have made such incredible friends from my mission.  I love them.

Day 2

5 Things I dislike about myself:
1. I'm extremely jealous.  If I like you, I get protective. I don't want to say clingy, but I'm pretty sure it comes across that way.  I just want to spend time with the people that I love. I'm struggling right now with that. I'm just kind of filled with negative feelings right now, even though we never promised each other anything.

2. I have a tendency of pushing people away.  I'm afraid of people.  In general, I have this fear that I'll never measure up to what people want me to be, even though I know that I'm a good guy and I have loyal friends, I fear that when the real trials come they'll leave, so I push them away instead.

3. I don't like that I sometimes choose to put on an act.  I want to be a genuine version of me, but when I get into certain situations, especially around a lot of my family, I feel the need to pretend to be something I'm not, rather than just be myself.

4. I wish that I had spent the first 18 years of my life working on a farm. I don't like the fact that I'm a city kid.  I wish that I had grown up in the country, working hard, so I could be in shape and know how to work hard, and feel like I had marketable skills.

5. I wish that I was a little more masculine.  Sometimes I just feel like every other man in the world secretly considers me not part of the man club... And it's not that I desperately want to be a part of the man club.  I just kind of would like to have a few more guy friends.  Sometimes I need man-time.

Things I like about myself.
1. I am funny.  I was told all through high school by kids in my classes that I was funny, and I never really believed them, but I think I finally am starting to understand that I have some pretty good wit, and I can make other people laugh.

2.  I am loyal.  Once I know someone is there for me, I am fiercely loyal to them.  I will be by your side forever if I know that I am safe with you.

3. I'm loving.  That was the number one thing I learned on my mission, every time I got a compliment from a companion or a leader it was always something about the charity I have or the kindness I exude.

4. Not to get prideful, but I think I'm actually pretty good looking.  I'm tall, I've got a killer smile, overall, I think I'm pretty easy on the eyes.  Not that I've always been this way, if you saw me in puberty with the pubescent mustache, acne, and random razor burn/sliced up face, you would have run the other way, but puberty was good to me.

5. I have a pretty good command of words.  I may not be the greatest writer to ever walk this earth, but darn it, I have a pretty decent ability to weave words together in a way that I consider beautiful, and I've gotten quite a few compliments, so it's not just me.

Day 1

15 Facts about me:

1. I get along really well with old people.  On my mission my favorite investigators were all the old people.  I just really like spending time with ladies.

2.  My favorite book in the whole wide world is The Picture of Dorian Gray. I feel like I'm a combination of Basil, Lord Henry, and Dorian.

3. I absolutely love everything about Batman. I own every Batman movie ever made, including the one from the 1960s with Adam West.

4. Food is the number one love of my life.  People will let you down, but food never will.  Wow, that makes me sound like some overly emotional teenager...

5. My biggest dream is to settle down in the country somewhere and write books, with someone who I love, and a family.  I just want to live in Rupert Idaho forever.

6. My art has taken a serious blow since returning home from my mission.  There's a whole new side of me that's trying to show up in everything I write, and I'm just kind of trying to smother that side of it, while trying to express it.

7. I am highly annoyed with people who are fake. It is okay to not be perfect,it is okay to not like people. Don't put on a facade just to make other people like you, just don't go there

8. I love to ballroom dance.  I once placed third in an tango competition, and it was fantastic.

9. I almost always am driven by my heart. I have a tendency of becoming as much like the person I am in love with at any given time. Which is a problem, because it makes the whole developing myself business a little more difficult.

10. I talk to myself in the car, every single time I'm alone in my car.  I thought that this was normal, but I pocket-dialed a girl once, and she got kinda judgy.... So I'm not really sure if it's normal or not.... Doesn't stop me though.

11. I love 90s music.  There's nothing like a good Backstreet Boys *Nsync, or Britney Spears throwbacks song to cheer me up.

12. I don't expect to get married any time soon.  Everyone here is obsessed with dating and marriage.  There's this insane focus on finding an eternal companion, and a strange obsession with how the only way to be happy is to have that relationship, and I just don't think that it'll happen anytime soon for me.

13. I crave independence. I seriously hate when other people try to take care of me, or are required to take care of me.  All I want is to have a job where I have enough money to support myself entirely, and never have to rely on anyone else.

14. I'm observant.  I have an ability to notice things about people that they aren't really aware that they show.

15. I'm ready to enter a new phase of my life.  I've spent way too long doing the same things, moping over the same stupid things in my life, and I'm ready to break the bounds that I've set and charge forward.

A New World

Oh hey, long time, no see.
Oh wait, I still can't see you... Oh well.
I'm a do this again to re-introduce myself.  I'm a whole new person now.
Day 01- 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- 5 things you like and 5 things you dislike about yourself
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends and what the picture means to you
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to and the memories that follow
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has had a big impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Biggest achievement in your eyes
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Favorite book and why
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iTunes on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- 10 anonymous things that you would like to say to people
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have and why do have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- The simple things that make you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you are craving
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What do you think about your friends?
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned?
Day 30- Who are you?

Stream of Consciousness...

It's not that I'm unafraid... heck, I'm terrified. There are a thousand excuses that keep hurtling themselves into my path, and if I stop and examine them long enough I start to get scared that I might be making the wrong step. But I know, I KNOW that there's one reason to go, and that's where I have to place whatever faith I have, which sometimes feels like it's smaller than that famous mustard seed.
I'm serving a mission because I love my brothers and sisters across the world, and in particular, the Carlsbad, California area. I don't know them personally, yet, but I want them all to have the happiness I have in this gospel. I want to teach of our Heavenly Father's love. I want to testify that I know what happens after this life, that I know that families are forever, that Jesus Christ is my Savior, that He has suffered for my sins, and he has suffered for their sins.
It's two years of my life, and at the time when half of my brain is screaming about how incredibly long that amount of time is, the other half is convincing me that it's not enough time. Two years is nothing, can I even do anything in two years that's worthwhile to the Kingdom of God? Will I be good enough to be able to get everything I can out of those two years, or will I have to grow up so much in those two years, that I won't even be able to do the things the Lord would have me do?
I think that's what scares me. I feel inadequate. I'm kind of scrawny, awkward, annoying...
But then I remember that the Lord prepares and strengthens those He has called, and He has called me. He wants me to be a missionary, and in the next two years, when I need Him, He'll be there for me.
When I look at it like that, the fear flees, and I can't wait to go. There is no greater joy than doing the work of the Lord. That's where I've put my faith.

I Miss...

The spotlight... the hours of rehearsal just for the chance to say that one word, be in that one scene, sing that one song in the chorus, dance that one number in the background of the scene... the friendships and showmances... the tyrannical directors who make life as miserable as possible... the church kids who knew they were better than me... the warm-ups... the music... the sets... the blocking... I miss the stage.
I wasn't ever really a great actor. I used to think that my director didn't give me main parts because she hated me. I still believe she hated me, but it was probably my lack of talent, my lack of any real emotion behind what I was saying. I'd like to think I was better now, but I need a chance to be on stage once more, to prove to myself that I can feel what I say, that I really do know how to act. It's not memorizing lines and blocking, step forward, kiss her forehead, say some meaningless drivel about how you'll get through this, when you don't even understand what you're talking about. It's more than pacing because her line is "Stop pacing." It's knowing that you're pacing because your entire life is about to fall down around you. It's pacing, because if you don't pace, you don't have anything to do but sit there and think about the horrible mess you're in. It's pacing, because you can't break down, you have to be strong, because she needs you to be strong. You aren't allowed to break-down, so you pace.
If Mrs. Davis had told me that, I wonder if I would have gotten it. She never did though, she just told me to pace. "No not like that, faster. More desperate. No, it needs to be more manly. Faster. Faster. Faster." You wouldn't kiss her forehead, that's not the relationship you had.
It's like that with every role I had. I look back and berate myself. "You love her, she's been your wife for years now. She's never broken down like this before. WHAT IS WRONG? She needs to hear those terms of endearment, she needs to know she's safe in your arms. No matter what happens, you'll be the one to protect her, even if you are some poor bar-owner, who gets back-talked to by the serving girl. None of that matters, it's up to you to ensure that your wife is safe."
There's more to it than vaguely thinking, "Wow, this would really suck... I think I should look angry." It's becoming so certain that you know this person, that you know how they would react. It's like being a writer. It's learning who and what these people are, what really matters to them, what can fall away, and what would be too much for them to handle. It's about being unafraid to show the pieces of yourself that you hide, because it's those pieces that you have in common with who you are trying to portray, and it's those pieces that make what you're doing believable.
I realized last night at the high school's drama fest that I still have a lot of feelings that I just had to consider. The drama department defined my entire high school existence, so going back opened me up to everything I felt in high school... I miss it...
I miss the environment that was so stressful, so harsh, so dramatic, that I thrived there. Because for some reason, I have this fantastic ability to thrive on misery... not that that's good, but it comes in handy. And it wasn't all bad... But I miss the bad... I miss the good too, but I miss the growth from the bad.

A Closed Chapter

Life is good! No wait, good doesn't even begin to describe how spectacular, wonderful, magnificent, incredible, indescribably fantastic life is. It's not that life was bad before today, but for the first time I feel almost entirely emotionally healthy. I mean, yes I'm still a basket case, and yes I'll probably have to break out Taylor Swift, Moulin Rouge, and gallons upon gallons of ice cream through the rest of my life, but right now, I feel exceptional. It's that moment when everything falls into place. When I've been clinging onto something I knew I would lose, and suddenly, I am able to just look at it head on, and realize that it's time to let go.
But it's more than just being able to let go. Because I thought I had let go before, but now I can look back and see things the way they actually were, not gilded with the wonder of a love-sick, hopeless romantic who was putting all of his hopes into you. But not looking at things as a crushed, heartbroken wretched piece of a man who could only see every smile and compliment as some cruel feminine game to be played whenever boredom would strike you.
Finally it all seems healthy. I can look back, and acknowledge that we had fun. I can acknowledge that with you, when things seemed good I was happy, and when things seemed bad I was miserable. But I'm not relying on it anymore, because I don't need to. I don't need you, you don't need me, and neither of us even really want each other anymore.
And finally I don't hopelessly love you, and I don't callously hate you. I'm not even indifferent to you. I just wish you the best, and for the first time realize that it's time to strike out on my own. Thanks for helping mold me into the man I am, and thanks for making everything about this so easy.