Life is good! No wait, good doesn't even begin to describe how spectacular, wonderful, magnificent, incredible, indescribably fantastic life is. It's not that life was bad before today, but for the first time I feel almost entirely emotionally healthy. I mean, yes I'm still a basket case, and yes I'll probably have to break out Taylor Swift, Moulin Rouge, and gallons upon gallons of ice cream through the rest of my life, but right now, I feel exceptional. It's that moment when everything falls into place. When I've been clinging onto something I knew I would lose, and suddenly, I am able to just look at it head on, and realize that it's time to let go.
But it's more than just being able to let go. Because I thought I had let go before, but now I can look back and see things the way they actually were, not gilded with the wonder of a love-sick, hopeless romantic who was putting all of his hopes into you. But not looking at things as a crushed, heartbroken wretched piece of a man who could only see every smile and compliment as some cruel feminine game to be played whenever boredom would strike you.
Finally it all seems healthy. I can look back, and acknowledge that we had fun. I can acknowledge that with you, when things seemed good I was happy, and when things seemed bad I was miserable. But I'm not relying on it anymore, because I don't need to. I don't need you, you don't need me, and neither of us even really want each other anymore.
And finally I don't hopelessly love you, and I don't callously hate you. I'm not even indifferent to you. I just wish you the best, and for the first time realize that it's time to strike out on my own. Thanks for helping mold me into the man I am, and thanks for making everything about this so easy.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
How I Cure a Bad Mood
*Taylor Swift
*Pride and Prejudice/Moulin Rouge
*French Silk ice cream
...Apparently I am a teenage girl... that was the awkward discovery.
*Pride and Prejudice/Moulin Rouge
*French Silk ice cream
...Apparently I am a teenage girl... that was the awkward discovery.
I'm Goin' on a Mission... In Three Months.
I got a letter from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints a couple of weeks ago. The news is that I'll be leaving to serve a two-year mission in Carlsbad, California December 21 of this year. I'm completely STOKED about this! The more I think about my mission, the more I am excited about it. Here's some reasons for me to be completely psyched:
-I'll finally be out on a mission!!! 19 years of my life have led up to this moment, and now I'm finally on the verge of taking the next MAJOR step in my life.
-I'll get to spend two years in the service of my fellowman, and the service of my God. What better way is there to spend the next to years then being completely devoted to service to others?
-My mission is English-speaking. English is basically my life, and as awesome as it could have been to learn another language, I'm really grateful that I can serve English-speaking. I feel like it'll help me make more connections with other people...at least I'm hoping this.
-I got a letter from my mission president, and he said we needed to do our best to look professional. Okay, I got this. All through my high school drama experience my teacher told me that I was learning how to present myself professionally (she had no faith in my actual acting abilities...)
-I'll be on the ocean front, and although I will want to go to the beach, just seeing the ocean is always inspiring to me.
Plus there are like 109209183072198426892 other reasons to be excited about Carlsbad, some of them spiritual, some of them more like "oh hey, spring break 2013, I can head right on back"... but yeah, it's gon' be good.
-I'll finally be out on a mission!!! 19 years of my life have led up to this moment, and now I'm finally on the verge of taking the next MAJOR step in my life.
-I'll get to spend two years in the service of my fellowman, and the service of my God. What better way is there to spend the next to years then being completely devoted to service to others?
-My mission is English-speaking. English is basically my life, and as awesome as it could have been to learn another language, I'm really grateful that I can serve English-speaking. I feel like it'll help me make more connections with other people...at least I'm hoping this.
-I got a letter from my mission president, and he said we needed to do our best to look professional. Okay, I got this. All through my high school drama experience my teacher told me that I was learning how to present myself professionally (she had no faith in my actual acting abilities...)
-I'll be on the ocean front, and although I will want to go to the beach, just seeing the ocean is always inspiring to me.
Plus there are like 109209183072198426892 other reasons to be excited about Carlsbad, some of them spiritual, some of them more like "oh hey, spring break 2013, I can head right on back"... but yeah, it's gon' be good.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Falling Into Place
It's been rough...I hate saying that because I sound like a whiner...but I don't want to lie. This summer has been, at times, absolutely infuriating. But I've learned something from all of the stuff I have been fighting. The valuable lesson: The Lord is aware of me, He's aware of you, He's aware of all of us.
It's been crazy this summer. I've been hunting for a job with a total of one interview at a place where I was told they would hire anyone... but the thing is that I didn't get the job. It was a call center, so I mean not OVERLY bummed, but still disappointing. I've been trying to start my mission papers since May, with little to zero success... And to top it off I lost contact with one of my best friends since the day school got out.
But the Lord was aware. Every day I started thinking "I can't take much more of this," something would go right that day. I would roll out of bed and go to Institute and be taught something that I needed to hear...something that the Lord prompted my teacher to say for me. I would be sitting moping to myself and get an invite to go do something that would get my mind off the spiral of how miserable I was. The Lord has spent this entire acting through other people in my life to show me how aware He is of me. And even though I didn't handle things as well as I should have, (I have a horrible habit of murmuring, when I should just have the faith to do what is required of me), He is blessing me. Everything is finally falling into place.
No I still don't have a job, or a mission call, but there has been progress, which has been yet another witness of the Lord's awareness of me. I have an appointment with my bishop tomorrow night at six, which means the papers will be started soon. Somehow my best friend started talking to me again, and even though I want to hold a grudge about the lack of communication between us, I can't, and I would feel wrong about it. And with that, there's some definition of what we are, which is amazing now. I didn't want to leave with everything so bad between us, and things are finally giving me a sense of closure there, which is much needed.
Just know, the Lord is aware. He will help you when you don't think you can hold on anymore, He'll show you how you can.
It's been crazy this summer. I've been hunting for a job with a total of one interview at a place where I was told they would hire anyone... but the thing is that I didn't get the job. It was a call center, so I mean not OVERLY bummed, but still disappointing. I've been trying to start my mission papers since May, with little to zero success... And to top it off I lost contact with one of my best friends since the day school got out.
But the Lord was aware. Every day I started thinking "I can't take much more of this," something would go right that day. I would roll out of bed and go to Institute and be taught something that I needed to hear...something that the Lord prompted my teacher to say for me. I would be sitting moping to myself and get an invite to go do something that would get my mind off the spiral of how miserable I was. The Lord has spent this entire acting through other people in my life to show me how aware He is of me. And even though I didn't handle things as well as I should have, (I have a horrible habit of murmuring, when I should just have the faith to do what is required of me), He is blessing me. Everything is finally falling into place.
No I still don't have a job, or a mission call, but there has been progress, which has been yet another witness of the Lord's awareness of me. I have an appointment with my bishop tomorrow night at six, which means the papers will be started soon. Somehow my best friend started talking to me again, and even though I want to hold a grudge about the lack of communication between us, I can't, and I would feel wrong about it. And with that, there's some definition of what we are, which is amazing now. I didn't want to leave with everything so bad between us, and things are finally giving me a sense of closure there, which is much needed.
Just know, the Lord is aware. He will help you when you don't think you can hold on anymore, He'll show you how you can.
"The Quality of Our Lives"
"It's an interesting phrase. I suspect most people think of this concept in terms of comforts and conveniences they enjoy. But I prefer to think that the quality of our lives has more to do with substance than style. A quality life is one that positively influences others and makes the world around it a better place in which to live. A quality life is one that is constantly growing, expanding its horizons and enlarging its borders. A quality life is one that is filled with love and loyalty, patience and perseverance, kindness and compassion. A quality life is one that is based on eternal potential and not confined to this life only. A quality life is a life well-lived." - Elder M. Russel Ballard ("Our Search for Happiness")
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Going Home
My mom bought me a ticket home yesterday...as in, me, I'm going home. I won't be here in this valley that I've grown to love so much. I won't be close to my sister. I won't have all of my college friends around. I won't have the temple within walking distance where I can go and pray and work to find solutions to all the things that go wrong with me. I won't have the freedom to come home at any hour of the night I want. I won't get to walk up to campus and bask in the beauty of this place that I chose to come to school. I won't feel connected with the past year of my life at all.
I remember feeling absolutely terrified leaving home almost a year ago. All of my friends were all there was to life. I had a nice car. I had my parents who would buy me food. I had a ward where nearly everyone loved me, trusted me, wished me luck, believed that I would do great things. I had it made.
But then I came to college. I battled depression (like it was a legitimate battle). I questioned everything. I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world. I felt pain. I wanted to go home.
And then suddenly I knew that I couldn't. I saw my mom in October, and knew that things had changed back home, and I knew I was where I was meant to be this year. And I felt comfort. I made friends. I joked, I laughed, I bonded. I learned more about life this year then I have in my past eighteen years put together. I've been able to open up to people that I've only known for weeks, and they know more about me than even my parents do.
I went to Cali with some of my friends L.A. and Jessy. I got pulled over by the cops with other friends Emily, Tyrell, and Ruthie. I made countless A&W runs with 203. I lived with amazing people. I went to concerts. I had bonfires. I flirted a more than healthy amount. I lived near my sister and actually got to spend time with her consistently again.
I learned of my testimony. My own personal testimony. I learned to pray, to have faith that the Lord is aware of me, and is working for my benefit. I learned to love the Book of Mormon. I learned the blessings of tithing.
Am I ready to go home? Is home even home anymore? No...but as Joseph B. Wirthlin once said. "Come what may, and love it." So am I excited to go? No.
But when the time comes as I leave, it'll hurt, but there's more adventure beyond. I have a mission to serve, and then I'll be back here.
One day, I'll be home again, because this, right here, Cache Valley. This is home.
I remember feeling absolutely terrified leaving home almost a year ago. All of my friends were all there was to life. I had a nice car. I had my parents who would buy me food. I had a ward where nearly everyone loved me, trusted me, wished me luck, believed that I would do great things. I had it made.
But then I came to college. I battled depression (like it was a legitimate battle). I questioned everything. I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world. I felt pain. I wanted to go home.
And then suddenly I knew that I couldn't. I saw my mom in October, and knew that things had changed back home, and I knew I was where I was meant to be this year. And I felt comfort. I made friends. I joked, I laughed, I bonded. I learned more about life this year then I have in my past eighteen years put together. I've been able to open up to people that I've only known for weeks, and they know more about me than even my parents do.
I went to Cali with some of my friends L.A. and Jessy. I got pulled over by the cops with other friends Emily, Tyrell, and Ruthie. I made countless A&W runs with 203. I lived with amazing people. I went to concerts. I had bonfires. I flirted a more than healthy amount. I lived near my sister and actually got to spend time with her consistently again.
I learned of my testimony. My own personal testimony. I learned to pray, to have faith that the Lord is aware of me, and is working for my benefit. I learned to love the Book of Mormon. I learned the blessings of tithing.
Am I ready to go home? Is home even home anymore? No...but as Joseph B. Wirthlin once said. "Come what may, and love it." So am I excited to go? No.
But when the time comes as I leave, it'll hurt, but there's more adventure beyond. I have a mission to serve, and then I'll be back here.
One day, I'll be home again, because this, right here, Cache Valley. This is home.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Getting Tired
Why have I always told myself that I can't be happy in the here and now. It's always been that my happiness rests in the future. In high school, my happiness was entirely dependent upon me getting out and moving on and going to college. During my freshman year in college, happiness was only attainable when I had her. Now this summer, happiness will happen when I find a job, when I have her, when I leave on my mission, when I go through the temple, when...it just goes on and on. But there's never a thought that I can be truly and indescribably happy now.
I've spent so much of my life defining happiness by whether or not I had someone to love. That's dumb. I can't define my happiness by someone else, that shouldn't happen. I should be able to be happy with or without someone else, because I should have the faith that my happiness, that any true happiness comes from a relationship with the Lord. Yet, I struggle being able to let myself be happy.
I'll be happy when I'm not as scrawny as I am...I'll be happy when I have more money...I'll be happy when I've finished my novel...I'll be happy when I'm published...I'll be happy when I have more friends...I'll be happy when whatever is that ultimate goal is achieved. But I can't be happy when I'm still trying to achieve that goal.
Those are lies. Life is about finding the happiness in the journey, because the thing is, everything is a journey. There is never an ultimate achievement, because you have to keep working always. I wanna be in shape. If you get in shape, guess what, if you don't work to stay in shape, you fall away from being in shape, and then you're back at square one. If you want more friends, then you work at it, you have to strengthen those friendships, and there's never a moment when you can just be done strengthening a friendship. The moment that happens, the friendship begins to deteriorate. If my goal is to finish my novel, that's achievable, but then there's revision, publishing, and then there's more novels in my head that want to get out. I'll never be able to stop writing. If you want to get that one person who holds your heart, it's a journey, not a destination. Once you get them, you can't just stop working for it, you've got to keep strengthening that forever...or for as long as you last.
So the real thing I have to learn is to find the joy in the journey. Define joy by strengthening the relationship with my Heavenly Father daily, and by doing the things that will make me happy. Finding joy in strengthening relationships, in working out, in, writing, in preparing for the temple and my mission.
I've spent so much of my life defining happiness by whether or not I had someone to love. That's dumb. I can't define my happiness by someone else, that shouldn't happen. I should be able to be happy with or without someone else, because I should have the faith that my happiness, that any true happiness comes from a relationship with the Lord. Yet, I struggle being able to let myself be happy.
I'll be happy when I'm not as scrawny as I am...I'll be happy when I have more money...I'll be happy when I've finished my novel...I'll be happy when I'm published...I'll be happy when I have more friends...I'll be happy when whatever is that ultimate goal is achieved. But I can't be happy when I'm still trying to achieve that goal.
Those are lies. Life is about finding the happiness in the journey, because the thing is, everything is a journey. There is never an ultimate achievement, because you have to keep working always. I wanna be in shape. If you get in shape, guess what, if you don't work to stay in shape, you fall away from being in shape, and then you're back at square one. If you want more friends, then you work at it, you have to strengthen those friendships, and there's never a moment when you can just be done strengthening a friendship. The moment that happens, the friendship begins to deteriorate. If my goal is to finish my novel, that's achievable, but then there's revision, publishing, and then there's more novels in my head that want to get out. I'll never be able to stop writing. If you want to get that one person who holds your heart, it's a journey, not a destination. Once you get them, you can't just stop working for it, you've got to keep strengthening that forever...or for as long as you last.
So the real thing I have to learn is to find the joy in the journey. Define joy by strengthening the relationship with my Heavenly Father daily, and by doing the things that will make me happy. Finding joy in strengthening relationships, in working out, in, writing, in preparing for the temple and my mission.
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