Sometimes I regret how much I've tried to plan my life out in advance. Since sixth grade I've wanted to be a writer. Since fourth grade I've wanted to be with the same girl. Two of the most important decisions of my life, and I feel like I made them before I was ready to make any such decisions. I mean, true I'm not technically a writer, able to live and support a family off of what my writing brings in (so far I've earned a nice little sheet of paper that says I've written 50,000 words in a month, and no money), and true I'm not married to said girl. But those seem like the expectations everyone is placing on me. I mean I don't hate the prospect of either one, it's just, what if they don't work out? All of my family has been banking on said girl from the beginning of time pretty much. What if we don't work out though? I mean it would be easiest. We get along really well. I love her family, and I get the feeling that she likes mine pretty well too. We have so much history together, that we wouldn't really have issues. But I don't know... I don't want to go chugging along with my life for years, and get to the point where I look back and realize that I'm not really happy, I just did what was expected and rolled along with life without taking any chances on anything else. Without testing the waters and seeing if there might be something better out there. Not to insult said girl. She's wonderful, one of the nicest people you will meet, and all around one of the greatest examples in my life...I don't know what I'm trying to get at here.
Actually, I do. I think what I'm trying to say is how much I regret defining myself so early on. When I decided I wanted to be a writer, I decided that I should be bad at math and science, and so I closed my brain off and didn't let myself understand it. As a kid before this decision I was one of the best at math in my classes, it just came naturally, and I distinctly remember planning on becoming an inventor, and checking out the biggest science book in the city library, just because it looked so interesting. But I closed those doors when I made my decision, and so my math and science grades have always been mediocre.
Then when dealing with said girl, I chose to create the man I thought she most wanted out of me, without allowing myself develop into what I wanted to become. That sounds selfish, but I honestly feel that.
I'm just kind of sitting here trying to study for a biology test tomorrow, and instead of actually concentrating, I'm pondering if I would be good at this if I hadn't thrown those mental blocks up when I made my decision to become an English person...
I think your mission will help you a lot, especially in the girl department. It will help you find out who you really are, and who you want to become, without much influence from her, but rather influence of the best sort; from the Lord, and mission companions and experiences.
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