Looking Back

I can't honestly believe what all was going on in my head at the beginning of the semester. It was such a dark place, that I didn't feel like I could let anyone know about...I wish I trusted more, because I think I could've recovered more quickly if I had trusted someone enough to actually talk to them.
I'm actually happy now. It's nice. I have some amazing friends at school with me now, and even though I'm not who I really want to be yet, I'm progressing, and I think that's what matters.
I honestly wish that no one else would ever have to go through what I did that month, because it was terrible. And when I stop and think, I realize that people have gone through worse, and ended up taking their own lives. That's a scary thought. I dunno why this hit me all of a sudden, but I just want everyone to know that no matter how low your lows are, there is a way to turn around and find happiness again.
The way is love. Love those around you more than you love yourself. Even if you think you hate yourself, the fact that you think more about how much you hate about yourself more than you think about others is a sign of selfishness. Get out of that rut and go out and serve. Let God into your life. Just pray to Him. He wants to be a part of your life, especially at times like that in your life. Let Him, because He can change your perspective. That's a wonderful feeling!
Never give up on happiness.

Ain't Seen Nothing Yet

So remember way back last month when I was complaining about the cold...it's WAAAAY colder here now...like there's been snow...although so far not much is sticking at all, except maybe in the shade, but even then...not so much.
So I guess the fact is that I am just way too used to the south and the 'winters' they have there. I'm freezing now!!! And it's only October. I LOVE it here, but I am going to die come December. Good thing I have about a month back in the South before returning so that I can have some semi-warm winter weather. That'll be nice!
On the bright side I can now drink loads of hot chocolate, without feeling too bad about saving it until it's cold. I have lots, and it's gonna be cold. I'm slightly excited for the snow though!!! Even though the winds here are AWFUL!!

Disappointment Continued

So I thought of a couple other things that aren't so bad. I love Quinn this season. She was good last season, but she's gotten even better this season, and I honestly think she's the most believable character (and possibly actor) in the show. I'm glad that you haven't ruined her character, I love her character. Also Brittany, I still love her. She also seems to have continued right from where Season one ended, and I like that. I'm glad she's getting opportunities to shine as well. She kind of deserves them, since she's your strongest dancer and not too shabby of a singer either. Mike Chang's development is pretty cool too, although having it come at the cost of Artie and Tina...not sure if I'm okay with that. Also the fact that he can't sing...why was he singing or acting like he was singing all season one, and yet we never knew that he can't? Seems like an important character trait to learn early on in a glee club...just sayin.
Episode choices...I dislike them. Britney Spears...it was a fun episode only in the context of watching "Baby One More Time," only because it was the 90s music video redone with Lea Michelle. That was fun. Other than that...kind of lame, sorry. Then the religious episode. It was pretty offensive. I know that at the end you tried to make it not very offensive, but some jokes are just done in poor taste, and that whole episode was filled with them. First episode was good, and Duets wasn't so bad, although these episodes still are not linked by a common plot. Where are we going this season?? I really want to know.
I will accept your song choices for the first episode, and surprisingly, they didn't all seem to be linked. How strange. Episode two had a few good songs, but after a while I just got tired of Britney, and if you really wanted to do Britney songs, you could have done what you did with Queen season one. Every once in a while they did a new Queen song, and it was fun anticipating when another one would come. Now you just hand us an artist all at once. Lame.

Disappointment

So this season of Glee...it just bothers me. I still haven't seen the Rocky Horror episode yet, and I'm not really working up the want to go watch it...
Where did the plot go? Seriously that combined with the music was the whole reason I watched the first season. Now it seems like all the writers are after is the spectacle of the thing. I don't care if there's a theme linking the songs, your best episodes were before you tried to link all of the songs. Instead just find songs that fit with the plot instead of a plot that follows a certain singer or word to a song...that's so lame.
Character wise...this season also sort of fails. What happened to Will and Emma? I know you want it to take a while for them to get together, but seriously, why can't they just be together, they aren't Jim and Pam from The Office, they don't need time to get together. They've had time, just stick them together already! Also Tina...I don't really like you anymore. You're kind of a jerk, and I used to really love you...lame. Can't complain about Mercedes, I was never fond of her...sorry Mercedes fans. KURT...you weren't even planning on having Kurt in the first season, why is this show all of a sudden the Kurt Hummel show? I just do not get it. Rachel and Finn may be slightly obnoxious, but that's the type of people you meet in choir, and so I really like the focus on them. I get that you want to focus on everyone else in the club this season, but I miss Rachel and Finn.
End of show numbers...I love Lea Michelle, honestly I think she's wonderful, but stop giving her every single end of episode song! I like the major choir numbers, and you kinda stopped those. True her songs have been some of my favorites, but I just am not to fond of the fact that you think they make wonderful episode endings...
New characters: They're fantastic, give whatever the new girl's name is a chance to really shine! BRING HER BACK!!!! Also Bieste, I think she's phenomenal. I almost like her more than Sue. There's more character to her than there was to Sue within the first few episodes she's been in. Sam, I know that you guys are probably going to make him Kurt's guy...but that really annoys me. Quinn is my FAVORITE character, and she's already had enough crap going on in her life. Don't top that off with her next boyfriend going gay. Not okay. If he stays with Quinn he's okay, if not, I hate him. Just saying.
What is the plot of this season? I still don't even know...at least we had some directions in first season, now it seriously seems like they should be called no directions...and that's sad.
It's not all terrible, it's just such a let down from season one that I really am questioning if it's worth watching anymore...

Because my mommy said so (well FHE mommy anyways)

I thought that you might enjoy things on my board of inspiration. This is how I keep myself working some days, generally these are things I've found on facebook and seen as worthy quotes to keep me inspired:
*"Do you even care that those around you could go to Hell tomorrow?"
*"What about tonight? I hear the steaks are to die for there."
*"A Writer writes"
*"Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity"
*"Do your homework - Future self"
*"Shaun, we went out for a bit. I don't know if we'll be back for shopping in time :( call Tisha though and see if we still can :) Thanks! You're great :) - 203 :) P.S. Hi Tyrell and L.A. and Ricky and Mitch and Bryce."
*If you can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl, you are not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." Albert Einstein
*"You become what you want to be by consistently being what you want to become." - Richard G. Scott
*"Don't Forget to smile"
*Defilippis Equation of Awesomeness: A=(b+f)S/a - I don't get it.

I Should Be...

Studying. My room is clean, I've seen about everything that's gone on on facebook in the past hour, and I've been talking to Tyrell. I have yet to sit down and read any of my text book. Midterms are tomorrow and yet here I am not studying. This is getting out of hand. I need to stop and study, and yet I really don't want to. Okay, I"m logging of the computer and studying...soon.

The End

Day 30- Who are you?

I'm a child of God. I'm a writer. I'm a future missionary. I love music. I love learning about other people. Sometimes I'm a fail. I'm an uncle, a brother, a son, a nephew, a grandson. I'm an Aggie. I try and be a good friend. I'm becoming a little bit of a dancer. I'm an out of practice pianist. I'm a Priesthood holder. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I'm a How to Train Your Dragon addict. I'm a choir kid. I'm an over-rated, under-talented actor. I'm a masseuse. I'm an English major. I'm a high school graduate turned college student.

Really?

Okay, seriously I'm kinda angry right now. Homeciomng is next week, and I've been keeping my eyes open for any sign of where to get tickets...nothing. So finally today I find out that we have a ticket office in the TSC. Okay that's cool, that's probably where I go to get my tickets... Nope! Just wishful thinking I guess, because when I get there, there's a sign that says that the Ticket Office is undergoing changes and then it tells you where to get Arts tickets and Athletics tickets. Great, don't need those. So I go in to ask where I can get the tickets. This is a big deal, because I HATE talking to strangers, and I especially HATE asking questions to strangers. But I did it, I went in and asked the lady there if she knew where to get Homecoming tickets. She looked up and glared at me. Oh I'm sorry that I'm asking you a question, when it's your job to sell tickets. Excuse me for actually trying to bring you business. Anyways she tells me (in a VERY condescending voice) that they don't sell them there, and they haven't gotten any information on Homecoming yet. Okay, so I'm really confused here, how do you not have information on Homecoming yet? It's a week away! Seriously there's no way that they aren't selling tickets somewhere, and you're the stinking ticket office! You should really know where they're selling tickets for Homecoming! I'm still fuming about the lady, though. She is the reason I don't talk to strangers, because most the time I end up dealing with jerks who treat you like crap, because, heaven forbid, I'm actually making them do what they're paid for.

Day Twenty-Nine

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned?

I've learned a lot this past month, it's been an interesting month. First I learned that I need to have more trust in God. I hit the lowest point in my life this month, and it took me a couple of weeks to honestly step back and realize that God's promises were applicable to me, as long as I was able to trust and love him. In this I learned that I have a hard time letting anyone get to know the deepest levels of myself. I couldn't even get myself to trust God with my inner-self, even though I knew that He knows me I still could not bring myself to open up that much to him. I'm working on it though, and I already feel so much better than I did in my lows.
I also learned that I entirely agree with the church's stance on the family. I had always been complacent about it, believing that really as long as it wasn't me there was truly nothing wrong, but there is. I once heard that sin is defined as anything that hurts others, and even though it doesn't seem like that's hurting anyone but the people involved, truly it is. If the only path to gain Eternal Life is through eternal marriage, then choosing an alternative to that, it's taking that happiness (at least in this life, I don't really know a lot about the next life, except that God will take care of everything) from another child of God and that's not okay. Honestly all of this antagonism towards Boyd K. Packer this past week has led me to finally choose a stance and stick to it, and I feel better about life now that I have chosen a stance.
I learned I am not an actor. I hate my acting class with a passion. It sucks. I loved theatre so much in high school, but now it's just awful. I love seeing stage productions, but I now no longer have any desire to be in a stage production, ever again. I'm not a great actor, and I don't want audiences to pay to come watch, me be mediocre on stage. It's just not something I feel right in doing. Maybe it'll get better and I'll find my love that I've lost for acting, but if I don't, I'm not too disappointed, because honestly I'm happier writing, and having people appreciate what I write.
I love college, generally. Some of the classes really aren't that great, but then you come home to your apartment and it's your own, and you're living with all sorts of friends, and life is great. Then Lit. Analysis, I'm always happy in that class, just knowing that I'm there with all sorts of other people who are excited to study this great language and the great writers. I also love Friday nights more than another night...ever. So what if I don't get much sleep, adventures are way more fun.
Also, Ramen needs water when you put it in the microwave. Cleaning checks stink majorly. Dishes, yeah not very many people like to do them...at all. I'm paranoid (I woke up alone in my apartment and was seriously freaked out that the guy from When a Stranger Calls would be in my apartment. It was in fact terrifying). I have the coolest mom in the world.

Cloud 9? Yeah I'm There

I am blissfully happy right now!!! I don't know what I ever did to deserve this kind of happiness, but here I am completely and utterly happy, even though I still have a paper to write by tomorrow morning. That doesn't even seem to matter right now.

Day Twenty-Eight

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

No pictures this time, just some basic thoughts. First off I own a new CTR ring. I lost my old one in the Tennessee River, and so I bought a new one. Sure I miss the old spinny one, but this new one is pretty darn amazing. My hair is different...I don't know if it's longer or shorter, but it's different somehow, so that's cool. I might be in better shape. I definitely get out of the house more because I walk to and from and all around campus...which could have added some color, I dunno. I'm more comfortable about my feet. I used to hate them, but now I don't mind them so much. I don't show them off or anything, but I've accepted them, so they look better to me...okay that was weird. My glasses are really badly messed up so I'll be getting some new ones soon, and then hopefully contacts for Christmas. I think I've gotten skinnier...I didn't used to think it was possible, but I seriously think I've lost weight. New bracelet...yeah it's definitely something that looks different. I smell different (it's amazing what going into a store with a girl can do). I also now own a polo...never thought that would happen. And I own an Aeropostal (I still can't spell it) shirt...so yeah (also same girl's fault). My posture may or may not have changed...I think it's gotten slightly better, but probably not, just wishful thinking. I try to smile more now, after battling some serious lows I've decided to just try and smile more, because it honestly does help. Yeah I think those are some major changes, or minor changes. Just some changes.

Day Twenty-Seven

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?

I'm a writer. I want to do whatever I can to exercise this talent, and this seemed like a fun writing exercise. It's been really interesting realizing everything I write, because so much about me has changed back and forth in this past month. I'm stabilizing now, I think. Honestly though, I could not have chosen a more intriguing month in my life to do this thirty day challenge, because it was just a month in my life where things weren't stable and nothing was set in stone. I don't know if anything is set in stone yet, but hey It's been an adventure getting here, and that was fun to write about. Even if you readers only got slight glances on what was going on.

Day Twenty-Six

Day 26- What do you think about your friends?

They ain't too bad honestly. I mean I have some pretty awesome friends who stick around me even when they get to know me. Heck most of them keep telling me they miss me, which honestly is pretty flipping sweet, since they've known me for five years, and they still miss hanging out with me.
My new friends here are equally sweet. It's harder being who I want to be around them, because I don't want them to get the wrong impression of me, but even so, I like them. I'm doing better at opening up I think, and really I enjoy hanging out with them a lot. Rooms 302 and 203 though, seriously they're a blast to hang out with. Plus my roommates are awesome. Yeah honestly there are a lot of people here who I consider my friends and who are completely awesome. I just have some pretty amazing people in my life.

Day Twenty-Five

Day 25- What I would find in your bag

There are quite a few things I would like to point out here. First off I don't know who the 'I' in the above statement is, but I don't know if i feel comfortable with whoever you are snooping around in my 'bag.' Second off, I'm a guy, I don't have a said 'bag' unless it's my backpack or a grocery bag. If you're snooping around in my backpack you'll find highlighters, several textbooks, several notebooks, and one to two other random books I'm currently reading. If you're going through my groceries you'll find stuff like Mac&Cheese, Tortilla chips, Alfredo sauce packets, milk, eggs, assorted cleaning chemicals (depending on whether we're going through cleaning checks), and all sorts of other random stuff I need.
Really though, I'm not okay with you going through my stuff. Please don't do that.

Amazing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkHJ2-zoSB4
Watch it, it's amazing!

Day Twenty-Four

Day 24- A letter to your parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

College is going great! I really am enjoying it here, and I'm so thankful that you were willing to let me move across the country to come here, because I'm seriously and honestly happier here than I would have been back home. Also thank you so much for supporting me when I'm making choices that are driven more by passion than by money. I know you want me to be successful, but you guys have allowed me to define success for myself, and that means a lot to me.
This summer sucked. I'm still slightly bitter. I'm getting better, but I'm still confused why all of a sudden my existence stopped mattering. I don't blame you guys entirely for the whole suckiness of the summer, but it would have been really nice to know that you guys actually did care. It was partially my fault too though, I expected a lot more than I should have from this summer. Wishful thinking, it's going to be the death of me.
I'm not sure how this Christmas will be. I hope I'll have worked through all of this crap by the time Christmas rolls around, but I make no guarantees. I'm sorry that I don't generally forgive and forget easily. I've been trying, but my mind doesn't generally forget a lot of things I wish it would. That stuff just eats away at me, and I won't let it go. Sorry.

Love you, but still struggling,
Zelos

Day Twenty Three

Day 23- Something you are craving

I pretty much always crave A&W rootbeer floats now that there's an A&W like five minutes away. Also, Jamba Juice, and time with my best friend. Yeah that was kind of a lame one today.

Day 23 - my style: List of things to accomplish in the next 24 hours:
-Sleep
-Laundry
-Cleaning check stuff
-Buy tickets to go see Cripple of Inishmaan
-Think of something to do in theatre tomorrow
-Homework...a lot of homework
-Go to choir practice tonight
-Watch Glee
-Talk to Tiffani
-Eat one or two meals in there...most likely just one, but we'll see :)

Yeah that's about it.

Bite the Bullet

Our kitchen is a mess...the most disgusting mess I think I've seen in a LONG time. I can't stand it any longer, and even when I'm not looking at it I can't help but think about all the work it is going to take to clean it. I honestly do not have the ability to focus on anything but how much work it is going to take to clean it...and I'm pretty sure it'll be me cleaning it. Hmm...I'm thinking it's time to go clean again, but I really don't want to. On the bright side, my room is actually really clean today, so that's not gonna be too bad, just gotta stress over the kitchen and the cleaning checks, and then KEEP THINGS CLEAN...I dunno if we'll be able to do it, but my OCDness is going to drive me crazy soon enough.

Day Twenty-Two

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

I dunno, uniqueness generally depends on the people you are around, so it really depends on who I'm around. If I were in a group of cows, the fact that I am a person makes me unique. In my apartment I'm unique because my walls are plastered with pictures. In my building I'm unique because I'm one of the few, if not the only English major in the building. However in the English department I am unique, because I live in Jones Hall. So really I don't honestly know what makes me unique. It seriously depends on who I'm with.

Day Twenty-One

Day 21- The simple things that make you happy

How fitting that President Monson just spoke on gratitude. :)
Reading the scriptures and prayer, honestly life goes better than.
Hallway parties. I love everyone here!
Working on my novel.
English class.
The smell of the flowers around campus. I slow down every time I catch a whiff of those flowers.
Laughter.
Talking to, or even seeing my best friend.
A clean room.
String cheese.
Giving a massage.
Good music.
Compliments. I have to be careful they don't go to my head though.
Sunshine.
Letters, e-mails, facebook notifications...mostly letters though.
Everything hanging on the walls of my room.
My family.
My friends.

And lots more. I try and always be happy.

Day Twenty

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.

Kiera Knightly, and it would be marriage. You see I have it all worked out. I'll take her last name so that my initials will be SMAK which is pretty darn cool. Then I can publish books with a last name like Knightly instead of a boring common last name. I would much rather read a book by an interestingly named author. Just sayin'
Okay but really...there's a girl in my life who I could actually see us working out. I'm comfortable around her, and I think I honestly love her. I never get tired of her, and we're actually getting along really well now, so yeah it could work.

Day Nineteen

Day 19- Nicknames you have and why do have them

Shan - I dunno why I have this one, I think Laura started it and then it just kinda caught on so that all of my friends called me this through middle school, and it still crops up every now and then.
Shanivis the manly SMA - This comes from the Shwunk. I would call Ivy the Ivis the Smu, and so she retorted by creating that. Than she and I have a child created by magic named Shan-Ivis-the-kind-of-manly-smu-sma. I know it's a terrible name... but what can you do?
Mormon - Well you see I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. One of the few back homes, so they called me that a lot.

Day Eighteen

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

-Serve a mission.
-Graduate from Utah State.
-Change someone's life for the better.
-Marry for love and for time and all eternity.
-Have a daughter...and other kids as well. I just really want my own daughter.
-Have the most killer awesome library ever. With lots of old pretty books. Leather-bound preferably but old and pretty is equally fine.
-Teach early morning seminary.
-Write and support my family off my writing.
-Participate in community non-profit theatre.
-Obtain Exaltation someday.