I pretty much plummeted into the depths of man PMS once again last night, but as I look at everything that's been bothering me in the sunshine, after a great Institute class, I feel like I should be better than this...I'm not yet. I'm working on it, I'm learning to get over the thoughts that keep me from sleeping, and I'm working on everything that's going wrong in my life...but, I just need time. I need time, and I need to stop coasting. I need to serve, I need to love, I need to work, and I need to be busy. Being alone with my thoughts lately has been my biggest source of pain...so that's got to stop.
Life is just easier for me when the sun shines. I can get out of my building and go for a walk, or do whatever...
I discovered last night how much I miss my car...that car is like the love of my life, and I miss it so much...I do. There was never a better way for me to clear my head than hop in the car, crank up the tunes and just drive. I ended up in parts of town I didn't even know existed when I drove...and now I just have to get places my two feet can carry me when I need an escape...someday we'll be united my dear car...someday.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
My Favorite Song
"The One That Got Away" - Katy Perry...I'm going to try and argue about how there is a vital message covered under that beat, and the performer that Katy Perry is...so here goes.
The fact is, this song is about a person that everything was going right with...there was honest love, but something ended up getting in the way of this happiness...something that will haunt the rest of their life...
It's just a song of regret of losing someone you loved, and always being haunted by the idea that if you had done anything different, told them how you felt, apologized for saying something dumb in a timely manner, held them tight when they needed you, just done that one little thing that they needed, you would be with them in that blissfully happiness you imagine.
I have two views on this. One, this type of argument probably not healthy...I dunno, we all have that land of what might have been, but the fact is, it's healthier living in the here and now, facing life as it comes, learning from the things you've done, and facing the consequences of your actions. The fact is, they did get away. There's always a slim chance that that person might someday want you back...but living solely on that slim hope...it seems a pretty dismal way to live.
And yet, as I preach that, I sit here, knowing that I might have let the only woman I've ever truly fallen in love with become my one that got away. And I'm not ready to face that future right now...I don't want to have to face the idea that I have someone I love get away, let her leave before I plucked up the courage to admit how much I love her when she needed most to hear it. I don't want to stand there in the background being the best friend forever on the sidelines, never being in the running for actually being happily ever after with her...
I dunno, I love it, because it provokes so much thought in me...perhaps it's shallow thought, but for once it's thought, which has been absent from my head for months...so I'm gonna listen and love.
The fact is, this song is about a person that everything was going right with...there was honest love, but something ended up getting in the way of this happiness...something that will haunt the rest of their life...
It's just a song of regret of losing someone you loved, and always being haunted by the idea that if you had done anything different, told them how you felt, apologized for saying something dumb in a timely manner, held them tight when they needed you, just done that one little thing that they needed, you would be with them in that blissfully happiness you imagine.
I have two views on this. One, this type of argument probably not healthy...I dunno, we all have that land of what might have been, but the fact is, it's healthier living in the here and now, facing life as it comes, learning from the things you've done, and facing the consequences of your actions. The fact is, they did get away. There's always a slim chance that that person might someday want you back...but living solely on that slim hope...it seems a pretty dismal way to live.
And yet, as I preach that, I sit here, knowing that I might have let the only woman I've ever truly fallen in love with become my one that got away. And I'm not ready to face that future right now...I don't want to have to face the idea that I have someone I love get away, let her leave before I plucked up the courage to admit how much I love her when she needed most to hear it. I don't want to stand there in the background being the best friend forever on the sidelines, never being in the running for actually being happily ever after with her...
I dunno, I love it, because it provokes so much thought in me...perhaps it's shallow thought, but for once it's thought, which has been absent from my head for months...so I'm gonna listen and love.
Beating Myself Up...
I've realized recently that I have been far to happy to just sort of coast under the radar lately. I get average to below average grades. My class attendance is abysmal... or worse than abysmal...it's actually down right pathetic. I haven't been to Institute in months (I went for the first time in ten forevers today...and it was a nice). I've been slacking socially, becoming reclusive, and moody, and a lot of just all around annoying things. I'm working on it though... I had a nice wake up call this weekend where I realized that I've been too happy about drifting. I haven't written anything that really is super important to me in months. I mean I have a tumblr where I post random thoughts, which although they have entertainment value (I'm so humble), really have no substance...and I've posted a couple of blog entries in the last few months, but again they were just there because I felt like readers might like updates, not because they had any particular substance...
All of my life I've had this feeling that there is so much I can do in my life. There are so many people that I can love, there are so many words I can write, so much good I can do...and yet I've been doing nothing to get me close to the potential I've always felt I have. I've been a pathetic waste of space for this entire semester. Moody, and just all around stupid. I'm tired of this. I'm working on this.
I'm still not perfect...I never will be, and I'll accept that (someday)...but I'm trying again...at least I hope I am. I want to be the person that I keep picturing I have the potential. I want to be a good friend, the kind of friend I have in my roommate, quick to forgive, patient when other people are careless, willing to move on and accept that people make mistakes, understanding when that loser he lives with (oh yeah, that's me) is an all around jerk...I can't be that person unless I learn to forgive others, and work hard on looking past people's mistakes to see the big picture that creates the good in people.
I guess what I'm trying to get at, is just to say that I'm sorry, and I'm trying harder. I've been so dumb this semester, and I'm sorry I've been venting to you guys so much, and I'm sorry that I've been such a prick...please have patience as I try and reform myself into something that's closer to what I feel my real potential is.
All of my life I've had this feeling that there is so much I can do in my life. There are so many people that I can love, there are so many words I can write, so much good I can do...and yet I've been doing nothing to get me close to the potential I've always felt I have. I've been a pathetic waste of space for this entire semester. Moody, and just all around stupid. I'm tired of this. I'm working on this.
I'm still not perfect...I never will be, and I'll accept that (someday)...but I'm trying again...at least I hope I am. I want to be the person that I keep picturing I have the potential. I want to be a good friend, the kind of friend I have in my roommate, quick to forgive, patient when other people are careless, willing to move on and accept that people make mistakes, understanding when that loser he lives with (oh yeah, that's me) is an all around jerk...I can't be that person unless I learn to forgive others, and work hard on looking past people's mistakes to see the big picture that creates the good in people.
I guess what I'm trying to get at, is just to say that I'm sorry, and I'm trying harder. I've been so dumb this semester, and I'm sorry I've been venting to you guys so much, and I'm sorry that I've been such a prick...please have patience as I try and reform myself into something that's closer to what I feel my real potential is.
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