I Miss...

The spotlight... the hours of rehearsal just for the chance to say that one word, be in that one scene, sing that one song in the chorus, dance that one number in the background of the scene... the friendships and showmances... the tyrannical directors who make life as miserable as possible... the church kids who knew they were better than me... the warm-ups... the music... the sets... the blocking... I miss the stage.
I wasn't ever really a great actor. I used to think that my director didn't give me main parts because she hated me. I still believe she hated me, but it was probably my lack of talent, my lack of any real emotion behind what I was saying. I'd like to think I was better now, but I need a chance to be on stage once more, to prove to myself that I can feel what I say, that I really do know how to act. It's not memorizing lines and blocking, step forward, kiss her forehead, say some meaningless drivel about how you'll get through this, when you don't even understand what you're talking about. It's more than pacing because her line is "Stop pacing." It's knowing that you're pacing because your entire life is about to fall down around you. It's pacing, because if you don't pace, you don't have anything to do but sit there and think about the horrible mess you're in. It's pacing, because you can't break down, you have to be strong, because she needs you to be strong. You aren't allowed to break-down, so you pace.
If Mrs. Davis had told me that, I wonder if I would have gotten it. She never did though, she just told me to pace. "No not like that, faster. More desperate. No, it needs to be more manly. Faster. Faster. Faster." You wouldn't kiss her forehead, that's not the relationship you had.
It's like that with every role I had. I look back and berate myself. "You love her, she's been your wife for years now. She's never broken down like this before. WHAT IS WRONG? She needs to hear those terms of endearment, she needs to know she's safe in your arms. No matter what happens, you'll be the one to protect her, even if you are some poor bar-owner, who gets back-talked to by the serving girl. None of that matters, it's up to you to ensure that your wife is safe."
There's more to it than vaguely thinking, "Wow, this would really suck... I think I should look angry." It's becoming so certain that you know this person, that you know how they would react. It's like being a writer. It's learning who and what these people are, what really matters to them, what can fall away, and what would be too much for them to handle. It's about being unafraid to show the pieces of yourself that you hide, because it's those pieces that you have in common with who you are trying to portray, and it's those pieces that make what you're doing believable.
I realized last night at the high school's drama fest that I still have a lot of feelings that I just had to consider. The drama department defined my entire high school existence, so going back opened me up to everything I felt in high school... I miss it...
I miss the environment that was so stressful, so harsh, so dramatic, that I thrived there. Because for some reason, I have this fantastic ability to thrive on misery... not that that's good, but it comes in handy. And it wasn't all bad... But I miss the bad... I miss the good too, but I miss the growth from the bad.